Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.