When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
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The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*