Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
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Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”