So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
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I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?