I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
A small tragedy.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.