KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
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People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*