Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
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[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own