Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
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Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.