My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
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I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
selfie game
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help