Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
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My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board