Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Many hands make light work
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me