If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
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“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things