me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Denise please return my vape pen
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
describing stardew valley
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.