all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
You Might Also Like
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.