most whales are bigger than a strawberry
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Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Knock Knock
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.