When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
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*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Autocorrect completely socks
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”