5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
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NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.