I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
You Might Also Like
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
at ease…shoulder.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
me adding lol on a serious message
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
This is always good for a laugh.