CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
#Caturday
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I have no passwords left in me
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.