3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
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The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
12. I think about this all the damn time
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist