If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Just me and my debit card against the world
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Dead sexy!!
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
tis the season
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me