When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
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Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Möther may I have a snäck