Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
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If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”