*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
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me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
two people or more is called a problem
I created you as mosquito food.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Scream sneezers need love too.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.