I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.