Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
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A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something