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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”