If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
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It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.