*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button