To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
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I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together