“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
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Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders