I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”