An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
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“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
no one likes gloating
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
All generalizations are stupid.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”