Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
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*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*