10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
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the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.