Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!