Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
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I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.