I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
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The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.