My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
liiiiiiiiike
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Life cycle of cat
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*