[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
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Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”