[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
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Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
BRAKING NEWS!!
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.