Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate