Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
*Inspirational Tweets*
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life