[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*