Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
You Might Also Like
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
When they try to steal your moment.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually