Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
OH. COME. ON.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.