[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
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ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.