After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts