*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”