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“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
When you take Google Maps too seriously.